Hot Women, Bad Tattoos
People with tattoos typically have something to prove. If you're a man, you're either showing your devotion to a person or a cause (your mom, your wife, or Starland Vocal Band), or proving to everyone what a doofus you are (getting skulls drawn around the Oakland A's elephant, or getting "tribal" tattoo when your name is Stanislaw Korzykowski). For women, you're either showing some symbol of innocence (a dolphin or flower on the ankle) or telling the world that you're a pole-rider and proud of it (the tramp stamp, a.k.a. the bitch tag, a.k.a. Panama City Beach license plate holder). Then there are those who get random ink in random places on their bodies, and for women, that's the most tragic.
In his 1994 song "Fruitcakes," Jimmy Buffett sings: "I treat my body like a temple / You treat yours like a tent." Sadly, some of the hottest women alive now treat their bodies like a garage off of some alley in Compton – letting so-called artists scrawl body graffiti all over them. Personally, I don't care much for tattoos, but it really sticks in my craw when a beautiful girl is sullied by one, whether someone thinks it's beautiful or not. I've compiled a list of a couple of these "ruined" women. They don't just have a tattoo or two; their tattoos are so random and ugly, it's a downright travesty.
Katy Perry
Katy Perry is the least of the offenders on my list. She merely has one conspicuous tattoo, and since it is the name of our Lord and Savior after all, I will forgive (and thus be forgiven).
Christina Perri
Singer Christina Perri has 34 tattoos in all areas of her body. So many in fact, that she now names them. Here's a quote about her latest one:
The last one I got was Banksy. I got it on my whole side, which was such a nightmare because it's all solid black and it's a girl holding the eight black balloons. It signifies my eight wishes -- I made eight lifetime big wishes. The little girl is like me. I was in such pain. It was like six hours, and 25 minutes into it, I was like, "Why did I do this?" But I had to finish. It's really silly when you're in it, and it takes like a whole day, but then you're like, "Oh right, 'cause it looks awesome."
A little girl holding black balloons? "Banksy?" Over six hours in an ink chair? "Banksy?!" You think it looks "awesome?" You named it "BANKSY?!" Not even Lewis and Clark can figure out where you went wrong, girl.
Megan Fox
"Every time I get a tattoo, it's a little fuck you to anyone who tells me not to. It's weird to be part of Hollywood, which tries to control every aspect of people, from what they say to the color of their hair. And I like the way getting a tattoo feels. If I'm depressed, it's nice to get one and deal with the pain. I have one all the way down to my ribs. It hurt, but it felt good–like twisting a loose tooth. I'm not kidding when I say that if I ever lose a role because of my tattoos, I'll quit Hollywood and go to work at Costco." -Megan Fox
Don't worry about leaving Hollywood, Megan – because of the randomness of your ink (and the fact that you have the Notorious B.A.G.'s name right over your puff), Costco might be a little too classy for you.
Angelina Jolie
Angelina Jolie
Mrs. Pitt has so many tattoos that I simply can't show them all here. However, I have to highlight the "coordinates" on her left shoulder. First, it covers a laser removal of a dragon with the name "Billy Bob" over it.
Remember back when she was Mrs. Billy Bob Thornton? Yeah, I didn't care then either. Back to the coordinates: Each corresponds to the latitude/longitude of the birthplace of each of her children. Yes, some mothers sho
w their devotion to their children through body art. Then there are those for whom a heart and initials are just not devotional enough.
A final note for you ladies: Remember that true goddesses are featured ON art, not the other way around.
| Botticelli's "Birth of Venus," 1485 (two years before the invention of the "Tuscan Tramp Stamp") |
